I remember after the first fight we had, that I mentioned in my last letter to you, things never went back to the beautiful beginning that I held in my memories. After that, it always seemed tense, unsure, and like I was always walking on eggshells. We broke up at one point. I don’t remember the reason, except that we were always fighting. Somehow, you continued to hang out with the same group of friends as I did. You seemed like you didn’t care about me because you didn’t. You quickly ran off to pursue someone else that we both knew, and one of your best friends even warned me because he knew that you were still trying to talk to me too. I didn’t know what to make of it. I was upset and I was confused. Funny enough, that girl didn’t have any interest in you. She was polite, that was it. I’m sure that hurt your ego quite a bit.
Not long after you discovered that relationship was going nowhere, you ended up on my doorstep. Unfortunately for me, I had finally just begun to move on from you. You couldn’t have that now, could you. I brought up the other girl you had been pursuing, but you tried to reassure me that you were simply just friends with her. An important thing that I missed in all of this is that you were trying to hook this other interest while we were still dating. That’s what your kind does, you have to ensure that you have another before you move on from the one you are with. I remember you saying that you wanted to go to coffee with her, just the two of you, and I told you that I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement, but you did it anyway. You must have gotten the idea that she may have been interested in you. Naive as I was, of course I took you back after your seemingly sincere apology. I can’t remember much of the beginning of us being back together after that breakup, but I know we went back to fighting after only a short amount of time. The crazy, ugly cycle that I couldn’t seem to break no matter what I tried. We had our good days, but mostly they were bad. My insecurity grew everyday, which was extremely unlike me. I felt comforted to be yours again, but everything else around and within me continued to seem uncertain. I didn’t understand how I could be so happy yet so unhappy at the same time, and about the same thing…our relationship. We continued on as if everything was fine, we picked up right where we left off.
You enlisted, and were ready to go to basic training that summer after I graduated from high school, something I supported. You decided to break up with me yet again, something I could not understand. You said it was God that told you to do this, and who am I to say that He didn’t? I was confused, sad, and lost. You didn’t completely let me go, though. You kept in continuous contact with me. You even came to say goodbye to me before you shipped off. It was all so hard for me to understand. It was as if we were together, but we weren’t. You left, and so I began to try to live my life without you. You still wrote me every once in a while, but I began dating someone else. I still loved you, but I was trying to figure so many things out about myself and how to grow up. You invited me to your graduation, so I traveled with your parents. I knew I needed to break up with the other guy I was dating, so I did, for you. I was scared to tell you about him, but I did. Not only were you infuriated with me, but you came up with all of these untrue scenarios about me and him, and believed every and any lie that was spread about me, especially if it had to do with him. Instead of breaking up with me (were we even really back together?) you proposed…and I said yes. These were the worst decisions either of us could make at this point. You saw you were losing control over me, and you couldn’t bear the thought. I would have to hear about this guy I dated over less than a two month period of time over the entirety of our relationship (almost ten years after this).
Near the end of our relationship, I found letters. Letters sent to you by another woman while you were in your basic training. How could I be upset by this? After all, we were technically broken up. You even said that you were just friends with her, and she was just writing you as a polite patriotic gesture. That’s not what the words within these letters suggested, though. So, I had to endure you never letting go of a short relationship I had while we were broken up, yet you secretly carried on something of the same nature. It’s interesting to me how I have often had to bear not only my burdens, but yours as well. I didn’t realize until later, but the things you were most angry with me about (and what you often twisted) were the very things you yourself were guilty of. The things you believed I did or was doing, that were untrue, was you projecting. I didn’t realize that when you were accusing me of something, when you were looking through my phone, and when you weren’t trusting me, it was all because you were guilty. That kind of guilt is hard to deal with when you sit on it for so long, no matter what kind of personality you have. I would know because you and I know that I wasn’t perfect, I did mess up big more than once. You weren’t the only guilty one in our relationship. The thing is, you knew about my mess ups, you chose to stay with me, and you used my repentance against me. My mess up’s were to your advantage. That meant more control. You no longer were the bad guy. Everything you had or would ever do would get put back on me, and it did. You wasted no time.
I’m sorry for my mistakes and the ways have I hurt you. I’ve told you all of this before. There is no sorry like a changed life. My life has been changed, and for that I am grateful. My sorry was to no advantage to you, though, and that’s unfortunate.
I hope that you can one day be sorry too. Not for me, though, because I have already forgiven you. I hope your life can show repentance so that you can be different for the kids, for your new wife and her kids, but most importantly for God. I often pray for your repentance so one day you may acknowledge what you have done and how you have been, so that God may finally use your story. We all come from somewhere low, no matter how we compare ourselves. We each have a story, and God wants to be a part of it. It would be a blessing for you to one day be able to call out others like yourself. You may be able to help those suffering from the same kind of abuse that you now inflict. I understand that if you were to get to this point, it would be the hardest decision of your life because it would no longer be about you. Mark 8:35 says, “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My (Jesus) sake and the gospel’s will save it.” So, what’s it going to be? Will you remain a Pharaoh (Exodus 7-14) or become a Paul (Acts 9)? I pray you will become a Paul, and if/when you do, I will be the first to rejoice with you!
I am not writing this to embarrass or hurt you. I feel called to share my story (which includes you) in hopes to help victims escape and heal, and with hopes that even just one abuser may turn to God.
If you feel like you may be an empath, may be in a relationship with a narcissist (romantically or otherwise), and/or need help escaping, healing, etc. please comment below, shoot me an email, or reach out via social media.
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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255