You might think that I’m still hanging on to you because heck, I write about you. You have “moved on” to no surprise, and you think that I haven’t because it doesn’t look the way that “moving on” does to you. I don’t write you these letters because I am mad at you or because I want you back, or even to “get back at you”. I write these letters for others to understand behavior that they were told was normal for so long but is not. So, I will not just “get over” what you did to me. I am healing from it because I figured out the truth to what was happening. I need others to understand truth as well. I’m not here to bring you down, but instead to drag darkness into the light. It may seem like hate to you, but most pain feels like hate until it is realized to be love and what that actually looks like. I’m not talking romantic love either so stay with me here.
We can put many names to it (your personality, we will call it), and in the world of psychology, they do have a name for it. Now, have you ever been officially diagnosed? Probably not, most don’t because they don’t see the need, they don’t see a problem with their words or actions. But you know what? That can still be okay, I can accept the lack of official diagnosis. Even when people have issues that are considered psychological, we won’t be able to ever fully work on it unless we combine it with the heart and work that needs to be done there. Most of those like yourself don’t want to work on either issues, and that’s a choice you get to make.
I know you didn’t get to be you without pain. I think I have a pretty good grasp on the situation after being on the inside for so long. I’m sorry for the pain you endured as a child, for the confusion, for the abuse. I am sorry that you had to make a choice between health and survival. I am sorry that you still suffer. Unfortunately, you are a grown up now, and those choices for survival are no longer seen as innocent because they aren’t. We always get choices no matter our circumstances. God remains the same even when so many continue to be so cruel. The greatest thing, though, is that it’s never too late until it is. As long as you have breath, you have time.
You have to come out of hiding if you ever find yourself finally desiring change. You have to admit the real you, which is hard and scary because you probably don’t even fully understand. For now, it’s easier to remain masked and defensive. It’s easier to keep everyone at an arms length because that’s what survival taught you. Survival mode can’t remain our lives forever because when we are living in survival mode when it is unnecessary, it will slowly and painfully kill us.
What I do isn’t to hurt you. Heck, one day, I hope you can join this ministry to help others like you, and help those hurt by those like you. I believe in a God that can make that happen, but of course, you’d have to be willing to follow His direction. I don’t hate you, I don’t hate your family. I’ve been hurt by all of you, and I don’t expect, nor do I ask, anything extra from any of you.
The only thing I can take away from what you did to me for so many years is this change in myself. Part of that change is reminding myself that it all really happened the way that it did. It’s easy to forget that forgiveness isn’t always a good or nice feeling. Just because you act nice today, doesn’t mean that you didn’t “brainwash” me for years through your gaslighting tactics. As an empath, it’s so easy for me to remember the times when you were nice, and forget the many more times of abuse. It is easy for me to forgive and “forget”, and I think that’s what you have been hoping for this whole time. What’s hard for me is remembering things in truth, and continuing to view them through the lens of truth. It’s hard because it’s painful to know that a person that “loved” me never really loved me, and put me through all of this pain intentionally. It’s hard to understand the narcissistic personality because it is so different than what many of us can grasp and understand. Me placing boundaries is not me making you pay, it’s me protecting myself, and doing what I should have done from the beginning. My boundaries are love. I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten rid of everyone else in your life that has ever set down sturdy boundaries, but we share kids, and so, here I am, still around, but now with those pesky boundaries. I know it’s not nice or lovely or anything like that for either of us, but as long as I’m around, you will have boundaries set “against” you because, well…truth, love, and God.
Maybe to your dismay, God is using even this for good. Maybe you don’t even think about that. I know it’s hard for you to look at yourself in the light of truth because, like I said before, you’re just trying to survive. You’re trying to feel the least amount of bad feelings as you possibly can. As you do that, you are passing many of those bad feelings on to others that you “love”. Bad feelings are awful, I get that, and no, I don’t know that I could understand that to the extent that you do. Something I do understand is that God knows, and He has provided a way for you to deal with it in a healthy way. The only thing that probably stops you, if you’ve ever even considered it, is that it will be extremely painful for a time. Getting rid of any amount of sin is always hard and painful. Bringing it to the light hurts in so many different ways. If this is something you ever genuinely decide to do, I’d probably be the first to cheer you on. I can promise that you wouldn’t be alone.
Whether you ever decide to change or not, I’ll still be here living and breathing until my time is done. I’m not trying to make your life miserable, but I’m not going out of my way to make it easy for you anymore. It was never my job, and it’s not what’s best for you. Believe it or not, I could be your biggest advocate, but I won’t advocate sin.
If you feel like you may be an empath, may be in a relationship with a narcissist (romantically or otherwise), and/or need help escaping, healing, etc. please comment below, shoot me an email, or reach out via social media.
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National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233
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NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 1−800−799−7233
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255